Commitment
Fear of Commitment in Men
Though fear of commitment in relationships is a common topic, it is often a taboo topic among people actually in a relationship. Women avoid the subject for fear of being perceived as desperate or clingy. Men avoid the subject because, well, they are afraid of commitment. To understand where this fear comes from and how to respond accordingly, it is helpful to peer into the male brain for perspective. There are a host of issues involved in the fear of commitment, but many fall into the following four categories:
1. Loss of freedom (of any kind). Freedom to leave dirty dishes in the sink. Freedom to watch the game with the guys instead of going to your cousin’s birthday party. And of course, freedom to give and receive attention from the opposite sex. In the male mind, there is an inverse relationship between his freedom and his commitment level to the person he is dating. A month long relationship can seem to be the best of both worlds to men – romance without a lot of demands – while a longer term union carries expectations of compromise and mutual agreement concerning time and activities.
Yes, a fear of commitment can result from men being selfish, but there is a simple and effective strategy to deal with this. Give him time and space to do things he likes on a regular basis. That’s it. It could be shooting pool, going hunting, or playing poker with the guys. This accomplishes two things: it shows him that you care about the little things that are important to him and sets a good example for unselfishness in the relationship. If he is worth keeping, he will follow your lead by going out of his way to be attentive to your wants and needs.
2. Past experience. While they don’t usually talk about it, men (like women), often have psychological scars from past relationships and experiences that can contribute to a fear of commitment. Perhaps they put it all on the line for someone but ended up with a broken heart. Maybe their parents divorced. There could be an infinite number of life events that cause men to be gun-shy when it comes to commitment.
The key here is Communication. If the relationship has potential, a supportive and understanding attitude may be enough to break down any walls built up due to the past. Couples counseling may also be helpful. Again, if he is worth keeping, he will be willing to work as hard as you to work towards a love commitment. If not, see the next category.
3. Immaturity. For some men, fear of commitment is merely a lack of maturity, a condition that unfortunately affects men of all ages. These men are unable to appreciate the benefits of a committed relationship. This type of thinking maintains that pleasure comes from “hunting” and “conquering” as many women as possible. There are self-esteem issues in play here, with a continuous need for affirmation supplied by the attention of women. Not the stuff true romance is made of. Unless you are interested in playing a part in this unhealthy cycle, you should try to recognize this behavior as quickly as possible and move on.
4. Bachelor For Life. Some men simply are not interested in Marriage or any type of long-term commitment. This does not mean they have a commitment phobia nor does it make them a bad person as long as they are honest about their intentions (or lack thereof). This could be a mature choice based on what they want out of life. If your goals and values are not the same, it is time to look elsewhere.
It takes time to evaluate where a relationship is going, and it’s definitely more of an art than a science. It can be difficult at first to discern which, if any, of these categories the man in your life fits into. But understanding the male perspective on commitment can be an essential tool in the process. If you decide he is worth the effort, you can take steps to foster a positive, healthy relationship and chip away at his fear of commitment. By knowing when and how to take action, you can help to eliminate all fears except one – the fear of losing you.
About the Author
Understanding the fear of commitment is just the beginning. To really get deep into the mind of any man, click here for a complete, step-by-step guide on cracking the code of male thinking and behavior. You will be shown how to use this insider knowledge to become a woman that can attract and keep a man commited to you for life.
Commitment
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